Fabienne Swartz Coaching

Coaching is different from therapy. The two may overlap, their aims may at times be similar, but there is a real difference between the two methods. In this post, I aim to demystify coaching by answering a few common questions. How do I know which is better for me? I’ve written before about how coaches need coaching, but there was a time when I tried therapy, too. I went for some time, and I got some good stuff out of it, but I reached a point where I felt stuck.... It was near the end of my divorce, and I was looking for a strategy to deal with a challenging situation. How does that make you feel? I remember my therapist asking me. I was annoyed by her question because at that point it was more important to have a plan of action rather than figure out how I felt about it. I didn’t feel great, and I didn’t want to dwell on it. I was interested in what works. That’s when I became an ideal coaching client. What kind of things can I address in coaching? Coaching is about creating the life that you deserve. It’s about taking your life to the next level of happiness and fulfillment. You can do anything you want with a Life Coach. If your goal is to make more money, we can talk about what’s in the way of you doing it. If your goal is to find a partner, we can work on your mindset or tweak your dating profiles! If it’s peace of mind you’re after, let’s figure out what your internal dialogue is and how we can change it from destructive to constructive. Do you need my treatment history or other medical information? A therapist is a healthcare provider and would need to see those things. Coaches, on the other hand, are not healthcare providers and we don’t make diagnoses (however, if we see a destructive pattern, we do try to disrupt it). We don’t describe a person as having a problem, and we don’t see them as broken. Instead, we look at where they are now and where they want to be. We set up a process and system to get to point B. Is it confidential? Our work is completely confidential.

Marriage is many things to many people. In the past, it was an economic alliance between families, for both nobility and commoners. Giving birth often resulted in the death of the mother, infant, or both and life expectancy, in general, was dramatically shorter, and so most marriages were shorter as well. In today’s day and age, most of us are fortunate enough to marry for love, but in some countries, arranged marriages are still the norm. Ideally, a marriage based on love ca...n survive 40 or 50 years but let’s say the marriage lasted only 10 years does that mean the relationship is a failure? No, it does not, and here’s why: Circumstances change: There are an infinite number of factors that can change a marriage, the most common (and most dramatic) of which is having children. Other times people only find out how resilient their partner is when a hardship strikes them. These are both things that cannot be anticipated during the honeymoon phase of a relationship. Every relationship teaches us something: Every relationship brings new kinds of satisfaction and learning experiences. At the very least, you can figure out what didn’t work. For example, it’s easy for some people to become enamored of people who share a lot of the same traits as their parents; it’s comfortable for them to be around people who act in ways that are familiar to them, but there may be a host of other needs that can’t be fulfilled for either partner. A Wake-Up Call Let’s say circumstances have changed in your relationship, but you really view divorce as the last option. That’s where relationship coaching comes into play. Having worked as a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst led me to appreciate that leaving someone is not so black and white. Many of the clients I’ve worked with would end up marrying an earlier version of their spouse without even understanding what went wrongand they will probably produce the same thing over and over again without assessing what went wrong, and how it can be done differently so that it will work. One advantage to coaching is that it’s possible to change the dynamics of the relationship once you become aware that it’s not working for you. Is coaching right for you?

If you’re human (and welcome if you are not!), you have probably had difficulty making a decision at some point in your life. It’s natural for us humans to only want a positive outcome for each choice we make, but what does that mean? Consider the following types of decisions: The choice between two negatives: What is the least worst option? Choosing an unknown when the known is bad. Making a choice now but knowing that circumstances might change and you may reverse your deci...sion. As a coach, one of the concepts I share with clients is that not being able to reach a decision is a thing unto itself: the state of non-decision. Non-decision offers a known to people surrounded by unknowns. Unfortunately, it also serves to keep people stuck. In contrast, making an affirmative choice is about becoming the master of your own life. You may not know what the outcome of your choice is going to be, but you make your decision based on what you know at the time and how you feel. Perhaps the choice you make will eventually be reversed, but it’s the journey that matters. Some people permanently move their lives to a state of indecision in order to avoid seemingly impossible decisions. Others spend very little time in that state. Once we factor the state of non-decision into our calculations, it actually becomes easier to choose: Anna’s dilemma: to move or not? Pro: Better schools Con: Higher taxes Non-decision: A child with fewer educational opportunities, but more money for the family. Articulating the consequences of inaction provides a completely different angle from which to view the question. If Anna said Right now my child has fewer educational opportunities but we’re saving $5,000 a year. Instead of: I can’t decide. New Town has better schools, but Old Town has lower taxes. Anna might just be prompted to remember that she spends close to $5,000 on Starbucks over the course of a year. Or perhaps she would come to the conclusion that in New Town the money she spends on new taxes are at least being used to benefit her child. In either case, by stating the consequences of inaction, a new means of scrutiny is applied to the problem. Anna’s example also illustrates another important point: Decisions do not have to be final. Anna may decide to save the money for one year while planning to move the next year. Maybe the education component becomes more important as time goes on, and Anna plans on revisiting her choice. Coaches never tell you how or what you should decide, but we will help you: see the forest through the trees; clarify your life goals; and identify the actions you can take to reach your goals. And remember: trial and error is not a bad thing! Contact me to learn more about decision making.

The right option is always in front of us, we just need to recognize it. https://fabienneswartzcoaching.com/

Recently I was talking to someone who was having an emotional couple of weeks. After listening to her for some time, I saw something that I see often in people: not being able to let go and forgive. Forgiveness doesn’t mean surrender and it doesn’t mean condoning. In fact, it has very little to do with the other person at all. It’s about you being comfortable with your own situation, even if you would have preferred for it to go differently. At the end of the day, the other p...erson doesn’t get any benefit from it. The benefit is only to you. Being able to forgive is about releasing the past. It’s letting go of what went wrong and not carrying it around, and that sets you free. It’s the only way that you can truly move on, because you let go of anger, you let go of frustration, you let go of negative feelings, and you stop blaming yourself all necessary steps to become the person you want to be. You forgive through acceptance of the other with the good, the bad, and the ugly. It is recognizing the other person for who they are and stopping the act of making excuses for how they behave. When you make excuses for someone, you are not accepting the situation in fact, you are still trying to control the story. And how can you get there? If you start by being kind to yourself in small ways, eventually you’ll get to the point where you don’t want to put yourself through the emotional roller coaster of holding a grudge. There is a very popular quote that is supposed to come from Buddha (the truth is one of Buddha’s followers named Buddhaghosa said it): The Buddha compared holding onto anger to grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else. You, of course, are the one who gets burned. With the help of coaching and introspection, it is possible to reach a level of consciousness where letting go of resentment and forgiving becomes second nature and you will grow accustomed to the peace of mind that flows freely as a result. For more information about how to achieve a resentment-free life and be accountable for that goal contact me. https://fabienneswartzcoaching.com