Rachel Hercman, LCSW

This isn't a post saying be grateful you had your heart broken. It's a terrible, terrible feeling and can be an underrated trauma. But I do want to put this here for those who walk around with intense shame that they haven't been in a deep relationship, or one at all. They've never been on a date, or have been on some here and there and have never experienced it graduating into a serious relationship. The feeling of being excited about something, being excited about someone,... of feeling like 'now I get it'...it's not a given that everyone has that. But to add salt to the wound, our media spaces constantly show love and romance and dating and marriage- sometimes in over-the-top ways. For many, it means walking around feeling ashamed and for some, it feels defective. It's not that that you wish you got dumped. It's that you wish you could experience the feeling of being alive in a potentially thriving relationship and what may come with that. Maybe you feel like you've given up on believing in that for yourself. Whatever it is, I see you.

(Hat tip Marshall from "How I Met Your Mother") Revertigo is not a clinical term but is probably along the lines of regression; it's that common tendency to revert back to an older version of yourself when you're around people from your younger years. Example: I was loud as a teenager and when I'm around old friends I get louder.We have a lot of fun but it's really not a conscious decision, it just kinda happens. I'm sure you can think of people who, no matter how much ti...me goes by, when you're together it's like a time warp in the best kind of way. Revertigo can also play out in other ways. With holidays this time of year, revertigo can be relevant as some people are around more family members, including extended family. Sometimes this can make people question the progress they've made as an adult; perhaps they thought they overcame certain habits or mindsets but right now don't feel so sure about it. A few helpful things to remember: 1)This is common. 2)Just because you're having a rough day or week doesn't mean that you haven't made progress. 3)Clarity begins in the home:Sometimes what makes family time more stressful as an adult is you gain more clarity as you look retrospectively at the home where you grew up and though it's helpful to see things more clearly,it can also bring up more feelings. 4)The presence of feelings doesn't mean you haven't made progress; on the contrary,it can mean that you now have the awareness and presence to notice and be with your feelings instead of avoiding them. 5)Other things are off about your schedule that may be contributing to your distress. Staying curious with yourself and letting go of the script of what you thought the family time would look like vs. how it's playing out may create more space for acceptance and adapting.At the same time, you're allowed to set boundaries that are important for your mental health- those who respect boundaries will find them protective,those who don't will find them restrictive. Compassion for yourself is so key. You tried the best you could with the tools you had back then, and hopefully today you have more freedom to sharpen those tools for healthier living.

This is not a post about weight loss or weight gain or BMI or fad diets or DM ME to #askmehow. I mean, it would be helpful to ask how: How we each got to where we are in the way we relate to weight. Cuz if you listen to how little kids talk about themselves and their dreams, they can't wait to take up more space. ... They are unapologetic about their bodies. They stand with confidence without fear of being called 'stuck up' or full of themselves. They don't talk incessantly about the thinner bodies they'll have one day. They talk about who they aspire to be. Or who they are already. Proudly. That is, until the tragic turn that happens for many: Where weight becomes an internalized identity; a cruel definition of who you are, what you deserve, how you're allowed to feel, and how you're allowed to dream. Weight plays a starring role in so many people's stories- for both women and men. Even when it doesn't it's almost always on stage. With a speaking part. It's no wonder that weight is constantly talked about; why the marketing industry taps into that hole inside, that aching void that so many have come to believe is there because of what they look like (or don't look like). If everyday you wake up and feel like the most valuable thing about you is your dress size, that your body is an exhibit versus a place you inhabit-- your aspirations stay limited to being a body, not in who you can be beyond that. Whenever I go on social media and I'm greeted with a montage of Before/After photos, I wonder about the loss of stories and aspirations due to cultural preoccupation with weight. On this platform I've done more listening than posting vis-a-vis the polarized voices around weight. I'm a nuance kinda gal, and if I don't feel like I can write a message a certain way I wait until I feel like I can. My message is this: No matter your weight, your relationship to weight can be heavy baggage, a constant burden to shoulder. The more we can be our deeper selves, the less we need to use weight as the way to connect to others. And then we can take up space in the world. Proudly.

It can be (and often is) both. #resilience #resilientliving #overcoming #emotionalpain #emotionalhealing #channelingpain #healingjourney #healingenergy #creatingourselves #therapy #posttraumaticgrowth #growththroughpain #adversity #adversityquotes #therapysession #therapistsofinstagram #therapost

Closure doesn't mean you don't care anymore. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, never having times where you feel it deep in your core. Sometimes a sign of closure can be not from any new information but from new integration. A noticing within yourself that though you may not be 'over it', you're no longer under it, feeling like it's all you can think about. ... Breakup closure often entails openness; a surrendering of script. As long as we keep replaying what did and didn't happen, we stay in a known cycle. When we shift from that cycle, or allow that cycle to shift as we heal, we face new yet unknown roads to who we are and can become. This doesn't negate the pain. But it can create more nuance. More growth. And more energy to reconstructing ourselves versus marinading in the destruction of what- and who- we lost.

I know this sounds odd so hear me out: Sometimes when we are healing and feel better- with ourselves, the past, a partner, or just relating to the world, there can be a sense of, I wish I did this sooner." That had we had gotten to this place earlier, what kind of choices would we have made instead of the ones we did. Or how we could have felt freer sooner. Not suffered alone. Not suffered in silence. Not suffered hopelessly. This is where it becomes about honoring the clim...b. That it took what it took and as long as it took to get where you are right now. That you couldn’t have known then what you know now-- maybe you did know it but didn’t know it in the way you do now. If you can't look back and feel proud, see if you can find patience for that younger self who was just trying to work with what they had- and may not have even believed you could actually get to where you are now. Loving ourselves means cultivating a compassionate approach in how we view who we are and how we got to this place. I once heard that shame stands for Should Have Already Mastered Everything, and it can come up when we look back. When we can appreciate our climb and accept it as it is and as it was, we have more energy to move forward. Sometimes there’s grief with that process, and that’s ok.