New Windsor Senior Citizens

It's Tuesday and You Know You're So Old

Take Your Choice Monday I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing... If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!... ======================================================================== My mother and I were walking through the mall when a man stopped us to ask if we would take part in a survey. One of the questions was; "Do you think there is too much sex in movies?" "I don't know," replied my mother. "I'm usually too wrapped up in the film to notice what the rest of the audience is doing." ============================================================================== The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms, and kissed her. She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she said, "but I'm not that kind!" "Actually, I've never tried to kiss a model before," he protested. "Really?" she said, softening. "Well, how many models have there been?" "Four so far," he replied, thinking back. "A jug, two apples and a vase." =========================================================================

Saturday Fun The irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was. "Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday.... The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY". There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, ....."Well, s#@t, that explains why no one was at church either.

Follow the lyrics. They are very poignant to our time in life.

A Double Dose for Monday Dose #1: As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, ''I can't seem to find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking way too much,''... ''In that case,'' said the patient, ''I'll come back when you're sober'' Dose #2 Little Emily ran into the house, crying as though her heart would break. "What's wrong, dear?" asked her mother. "My doll! Billy broke it!" she sobbed. "How did he break it, Emily?" "I hit him over the head with it."

Message week #39 Dear Seniors, Week 39 has left Thanksgiving behind and our thoughts have now turned to the anticipation of Christmas. Many of you have likely already put up your tree and decorated your home. We are all doing our best to make the season joyous. We do it despite what we have faced and will continue to be challenged by in the coming weeks if not months. The experts have asked us not to travel and not to gather as we typically do on probably the most family c...Continue reading

Wednesday's Attempt at Humor One morning a husband returns to the cabin after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap . Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out, since it is such a beautiful day. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. ... Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, " Good morning, Ma'am, what are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies , (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?") " You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her. " I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading." " Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to write you up a ticket and you'll have to pay a fine." "For reading a book,?" she replies. " You're in a Restricted Fishing Area ," he informs her again ." "But officer, I'm not fishing, I'm reading." " Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to write you up a ticket and you'll have to pay a fine." " If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman." "But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden . " That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment." "Have a nice day ma'am," and he immediately departed.

Saturday Groaners While these are meant to make you smile some of you might feel otherwise. Acupuncture is a jab well done... Dijon vu - the same mustard as before Practice safe eating - always use condiments Shotgun wedding - a case of wife or death A hangover is the wrath of grapes Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Reading while sunbathing makes you well red When two egotists meet, it's an i for an i A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired What's the definition of a will? It's a dead give away Time flies like an arrow. fruit flies like a banana In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it Local area network in Australia - the LAN down under Every calendar's days are numbered A lot of money is tainted - taint yours and taint mine A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat He had a photographic memory that was never developed A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking

Grandfather and Grandson Perform on Violins. Remarkable Performance

ANSWERS TO TRAVEL TRIVIA #39 1. Which time zone touches the most US States? a) Eastern - The Eastern Time Zone hits a whopping 23 states (plus the District of Columbia) and covers the largest percentage of the U.S. population. ... 2. What state is the smallest by land area? b) Rhode Island - Size isn't everything! Rhode Island may cover only 1,214 square miles, but it’s packed with rich history, culture, academic prestige, and gorgeous beaches. 3. What US Man-made lake has more shore-line that the entire West Coast? d) Lake Powell, AZ/UT -Straddling the Arizona-Utah border, Lake Powell is the largest and deepest man-made reservoir in the United States. The lake has a distinctive zig-zag shape that’s responsible for its incredibly long shoreline of more than 1,900 miles. 4. What Palace hosts London’s House of parliament? d) Palace of Westminster- Overlooking the River Thames, the Houses of Parliament which include the House of Commons and the House of Lords are housed within the Palace of Westminster. Much of the original palace was destroyed in the fire of 1834, apart from the Jewel Tower, Westminster Hall, St. Stephen’s Chapel crypt, and the cloisters. The palace was rebuilt in 1860 in a Gothic Revival-style design by Sir Charles Barry. It survived World War II mostly intact, although the Commons Chamber required restoration. 5. What is the largest Island in Europe? c) Great Britain- Continental Europe is home to neighboring nations like France and Germany, but not all of Europe is connected on the mainland. The continent's largest island is Great Britain, which includes England, Scotland, and Wales (but not Northern Ireland since the last part of the United Kingdom is on the island of Ireland). Great Britain is larger than Ireland and far larger than Iceland. It's not as large as Greenland, however, which is the largest island in the world, but don't be fooled! Greenland is actually part of North America.

Silly Friday A highway walks into a pub one day. It goes up to the bar and orders itself a drink. It just sits down when in walks a strip of asphalt. The highway sees the asphalt and starts to panic so it jumps over the bar and ducks down so it won't see the asphalt. The bartender looks down at him and says, "What's the matter with you? Why are you hiding? You've got six lanes and two hard shoulders. Why are you frightened of a piece of asphalt?... The highway replies, "You don't know him like I do. He's a cyclepath."

Tuesday's Chuckle A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, ... looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.' Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. 'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot. 'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.' The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you ?' 'Moses,' replied the bird. 'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?' 'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.' Today's Joke Courtesy of Dottie Kemmler

Monday Madness A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred for real. He asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"... Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know, I know! He's in our bathroom!!!" The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. Little Johnny said, "Well... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, 'Good Lord, are you still in there?!'"

Message week 35 Dear Seniors, Today marks the 35th edition of my COVID era messages to you. That equates to over 250 days and about 8 months. As you can see by the attached photo, we are still keeping our head above water....Continue reading

Saturday's Joke of the Day At my granddaughter's wedding reception, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. It turned out to be my wife and me. ... The DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly married couple?" My wife spoke up first, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'" Everyone then looked at me. I said, "She's probably right."

Travel Trivia 35 1. The Oldest Brewery in the world is? a)Weihenstephan Brewery (Germany) -Located on a hill above the town of Freising, Germany, Weihenstephan Brewery was established in 1040 when an abbot at the local Benedictine monastery first obtained a beer-brewing permit.... 2. What US City is referred to as The Hub of the Universe? a) Boston - You may be more familiar with Boston’s nickname of Beantown, but another one is The Hub of the Universe or simply The Hub. Many city nicknames don’t have a clear origin, but The Hub is fairly straightforward, as historians can trace it to an 1858 series of essays by Oliver Wendell Holmes. The physician and poet wrote that the Boston State-House is the hub of the solar system, which eventually evolved to hub of the universe. Sources say it’s likely that Holmes wrote this as satire, poking fun at Bostonians’ tendency toward self-importance, but no matter the meaning, the nickname quickly gained popularity and endures today. 3. Lake Placid is located in what mountain range? b) Adirondacks - The village sits deep in the heart of the Adirondack Mountains, which cover an area of more than six million acres in upstate New York. Lake Placid stands at the base of Whiteface Mountain and at the southern end of the lake, which goes by the same name. 4. Which countries name means abundance of fish? d) Panama - Love seafood? You might want to plan a vacation to Panama. After all, the Central American country’s name translates to an abundance of fish, which makes sense given Panama has coastlines on both the Pacific Ocean and the Caribbean Sea. 5. Where can you visit the SPAM museum? d) Austin, Minnesota -Find typical museums boring? Love canned mystery meat? You might want to head straight to the SPAM Museum in Austin, Minnesota. It's full of SPAM-themed delights, including an overview of the brand's 83-year history, lots of colorful retro advertisements, and even free samples (or, SPAMples, as they're called here). Browse the World Market, where you can discover how SPAM is sold and used in 44 different nations, everywhere from Japan to England. If that's not enough to tickle your tastebuds, you can compete in an interactive virtual competition with your friends to put SPAM into its iconic cans. And don't forget to watch the Monty Python SPAM sketch, which is played on repeat just before you enter the SPAM gift shop, where there are 15 varieties of SPAM to choose from.

Friday Frolic A Priest was about to finish his ten-year tour of duty and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives about the Bible and Christian values, in their own language, when he realizes that the one thing he never really taught them was how to speak English. He reasons that the most efficient way to encourage the tribe to learn would be to give a crash course to the smartest man in the village ...and to leave an English Bible with him. So he takes the chief, whom he had befriended, for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." The chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The Priest was getting quite enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the scrub bushes, they see a native couple in the midst of "sinning". The Priest is really embarrassed and flustered. Not knowing what else to do he quickly says, "Man riding a bike." The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both right in front of the Priest. The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe the virtues of Christianity, the Ten Commandments, the Golden Rule, and how to be civilized and kind to each other. So how on God’s green Earth could he kill these people in cold blood that way? And the chief replies, "My bike."

Travel Trivia 35 1. The Oldest Brewery in the world is?... a)Weihenstephan Brewery (Germany) b) Hubertus Brewery (Austria) c ) Grolsch Brewery (Netherlands) d) Molson Brewery (Canada) 2. What US City is referred to as The Hub of the Universe? a) Boston b) New York c) Los Angeles d) San Francisco 3. Lake Placid is located in what mountain range? a) Rockies b) Catskills c) Adirondacks d) Blue Ridge Mountains 4. Which countries name means abundance of fish? a)Honduras b) Belize c) Guatemala d) Panama 5. Where can you visit the SPAM museum? a) Honolulu, Hawaii b) Seoul, South Korea c) Manila, Philippines d) Austin, Minnesota

A Cute One for Wednesday A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children began discussing the dog’s duties. They use him to keep crowds back, said one youngster.... No, said another. He’s just for good luck. A third child brought the argument to a close with this comment: They use the dogs, she said firmly, to find the fire hydrants.

Tuesday's Laugh Two old Irish men are drinking in a bar. One says: "Did you know that Elks have sex 10 to 15 times a day?"... "Aww heck!", says his friend "and I just joined the Knights of Columbus!" See more

Mondays are for laughing College roommates annual golf reunion - Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.... "They have handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts." At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch "Where you wanna go?" "Hooters." "Why Hooters?" "They have those servers with the form fitting shirts, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs." "You're on." At age 42, they meet and play golf again "Where you wanna go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Again? Why?" "They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games." "OK. At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where you wanna go for lunch?" "Hooters. "Why?" "The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking." "OK." At age 62 they meet again After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?" "Hooters." "Why?" "Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy." "Good choice" At age 72 they meet again. Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Why?" "Great choice." At age 82 they meet and play again. "Where should we go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Why?" "Because we've never been there before." Okay, let’s give it a try."

Message week 34 To All My Friends at the New Windsor Senior Citizen Club, WARNING!!! I’M A BIT BUMMED OUT THIS WEEK. Maybe it was all the rain and damp weather or too much nightly news. Whatever it was, it brought me down and you may want to skip the rest of what follows....Continue reading