Respite Care of Dansville New York

My father had dementia (not alzheimer's.) After mother died, living alone, he fell into a deep, deep uncommunicable depression. He wouldn't move to Atlanta with... me, so I moved in with him. I had knock down drag out discussions with his medical doctor because I felt that he was just dismissing my father and prescribing yet another pill. At one point he said, "Apparently you are not familiar with dealing with dementia patients, Mrs. Davis." in that condescending tone that we all despise. I told him that my father was in there and I would pull him out. I remember his smug countenance as I stalked off. So, I set out to do just what I said. I went to his house and stripped his bedroom of "Mother" I took down curtains, threw away bedding, bought new pillows, linens, comforters, all white. He lived in the country so I left curtains off to allow maximum light into his bedroom. I should explain at this juncture that he had been sleeping on the den sofa for over 7 years. He wouldn't take off his clothes and slept covered with a throw. It was heartbreaking. He just could not go to bed without "little Mother." I managed to coax him to sleep in his bedroom telling him that I was just across the hall. I put him on a regular eating schedule. He would sit at the kitchen table and stare at the floor. I would bend down and put my face in front of him to startle him out of his reverie. At first he seemed angry at my intrusion, but gradually he improved. Progress. When I noticed that he was staring into space sitting on the couch, I would sit beside him and say, "You need a hug." When I wasn't doing that, I would walk up, hug him and tell him that I loved him. I did this every day until he finally said that he loved me too and hugged me back. Progress. Next he advanced to having "chores." He would set the table and pour our coffee or water, and be began to hum while getting out the dishes. Pop loved to sing and when I was small I would listen to him sing his favorite Jim Reeves or Nat King Cole song. He said my generation of music performers screamed and couldn't sing. More Progress During meals, we talked. At first it was me that talked and slowly he began to respond. Many times we had the same conversation over and over. I learned to never say, "don't you remember?", or "you just told me that." You see, to say those things to him only caused him anxiety because something was expected of him, (to remember) and there was no memory there. On occasion, he would stop and ponder a moment, look at me and say, "Little baby, did Mother die?" and when I replied yes, he would then say, "What caused her to die?" Every single time it was like fresh news to him. It was hard to bear, but bear I did, because he did this quite a few times. As time went by he started saying, "Well, things would be perfect if little Mother was here." Great Progress! In the early days of living with him, I would ask my brother Bob to stay with dad while I ran errands. As he improved I decided that he was now ready for outings. To get him out of the house, I would spontaneously say, "Let's go to Walmart to get groceries." He always replied, "Walmart doesn't sell groceries." and we would debate the issue. Once, when we were in Walmart, (you gotta go somewhere, it doesn't have to be Walmart, but it was my way) he suddenly blurted out, "Hey! How do you get out of this store?" It was like a rock fell on my head. I did not realize that he was blindly following along beside me while I assumed he knew where he was. Well, that changed. Next visit, I put him in charge of pushing the buggy. I said, "Pop, you need to push the buggy while I shop." He said, "Very well." I loved the way he said "Very well" and I tell you this part of the story just so I could reminisce that part. So, during our shopping, I would say, "See that red sign?" or whatever marker I wanted to use. He would reply, "Yes." and I would say something like, "Well, we are going to that red sign and turn right because we are looking for hand lotion." or whatever. He would reply, "Very well." (I can't help myself) It was amazing how he grew in self confidence. He still didn't know how to get out of the store, but I kept him so busy "knowing" where we were going in the store and making a big deal of checking off items on my list that when we got ready to check out and leave, he was confident where he was going as I told him which way to go to check out. His other responsibility was to load/unload the groceries Every time I suggested that we go to Walmart to get groceries and he replied that they didn't sell groceries and we debated it, I would say, "It'll be fun!" in my best uplifting spirit. Then he would reply, "What is fun about getting groceries?" and I would say, "We will make it fun!" and as time went by he began to respond with a laugh. Progress times 100. More growth (mine). While fastening our seatbelts, I would tell him that we were going to Walmart. At the end of the drive I would say, "We are going to turn left because we are going to Walmart." Pulling out of the drive, I would talk about what we would buy at Walmart. I learned that if I told him something 3 times fairly close together, it stuck a lot better. He stopped saying "Hey! Where are we going?" halfway there. Meanwhile, I continued to hold his hand, hug him, kiss his cheek, tell him I loved him, and generally let him know that I was there. I can still hear him say, "Little Baby, Daddy doesn't remember too well." and I reassured him, "Don't worry Pop. I will be your memory." and he would say, wait for it, "Very well." Once, after we had gone through the routine of me suggesting grocery shopping at Walmart and him saying that they didn't sell groceries, and us debating it, getting into the car, telling him 3 times where we were going...da, d'dah, da, da, I realized that it was my birthday. I said "Guess what day it is, Pop." Him, "I have no idea, what day is it?" I told him that it was my birthday and that I thought that he should sing Happy Birthday to ME! Much to my surprise, he began to sing "Happy Birthday to you"....through the entire song. I wanted to remember that moment until my dying day. Progress with tears. Then the day came for his 6 month check up. This time while we fastened our seatbelt I told him we were going to see Dr. ___. Of course I went through the 3 times ritual so he was confident as to why we turned right instead of left. When they called his name he held his shoulders back and confidently sauntered his 5'4" frame into the doctors office. He loved to saunter and he did it well. The doctor breezed in prepared to have the non-conversation check up that he had grown accustomed to. He was totally surprised as he asked Dad how he was doing to which Dad responded, "Great" Taken aback he began to have a general conversation with Dad while Dad smiled and responded. Mind you Dad didn't know what day it was, but he knew all about who was president and the terrible Iraq war. As we were leaving the doctor pulled me aside and asked me what I did. I told him that daily I touched him, I hugged him, kissed him on his cheek and told him that I loved him. I took interest in him and made him feel that he was loved. He looked at me in amazement and I said, "I told you that he was in there and I would get him out." I will always remember his response. It went something like this, "Mrs. Davis I had no idea of the healing power contained in the human touch. I will be sharing your story with colleagues in my upcoming seminars. I will tell them to encourage families of dementia patients to do the same because I see its results first hand." So, if you have a loved one with memory issues, never let them forget that they are important and give them the loving touch that we all need. I will add that Alzheimer's is the worst form of dementia and the challenges that come with it are much harder because patients can be combative. Nonetheless, love them and touch them as much as you can.

Please join us in wishing Alberta Burger, life long resident of Groveland, a happy birthday. She turned 100 on March 24th! #LoveMyLivingstonPride

It pains me to write this. But in the service of the greater good of our society the Dansville Respite Program is suspending operation until further notice. I will continue to post information that is useful for those who are caregivers and we will be here if you need a place to talk. You can message me at Manilla Olga Case Owen and I'll get back with you.

Today is #NationalCaregiversDay! Millions of Americans fill the role of family caregiver, playing a pivotal part in their loved one’s care team. Revisit our Nov...ember 2019 blog post about the recent caregiver programs we're proud to support: https://hfwcny.org/celebrating-and-supporting-caregivers-i/ See more